This story is from March 1, 2009

Is stress corroding your love life?

RAKSHITA PANDEY / Mar 1, 2009, 00:00 IST

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Whether it is work pressure, conflicts with in-laws or money matters, relationships and stress go hand-in-hand in a contemporary, fast-paced urban life.

Whether it is work pressure, conflicts with in-laws or money matters, relationships and stress go hand-in-hand in a contemporary, fast-paced urban life.
As deadlines replace conjugal intimacy, monthly budgets get in the way of candle-lit dinners, clash with in-laws leads to arguments with your partner and taking care of children leaves no time for tender moments - is stress corroding your love life?
Sometimes, even minor issues can act as stress triggers leaving you irritable, moody and ill-tempered. If such emotions are not kept in check, your relationship may go awry, leaving you isolated and distressed. We bring you the common causes of tension between couples and expert tips to counter them...
It's all about the money, honey!

Do you know where your partner spends all his money? Is he/she investing enough? Does he/she share financial plans with you? Believe it or not, money is one of the major reason of conflict between couples. Often, if one partner doesn't share his/her expenses and investments, it may result in the other feeling left out and may cause dispute between the two. One partner earning significantly more than the other often results in inferiority complex or jealousy causing stress and creating differences in the relationship.
Meenakshi Dayal, 34, a business woman, says, "I always tell my husband how much money I am earning and take all important financial decisions only after consulting him. On the other hand, he never tells me where he is investing his money and suddenly comes and tells me that he is buying a car next week or is planning a holiday. I get really annoyed for being informed at the last minute."
Counter tip: Dr. Kiran Bakshi, a marriage and relationship counselor explains, "Money matters are often responsible for disputes in a marriage and if one allows it to take precedence over a relationship, it can get ugly and result in a divorce. So, even if you don't share the minutest details of your expenses or finances with your partner, it is important to keep your spouse in the loop while taking major financial decisions."
Jealousy and possessiveness
Jealousy is dangerous to a relationship because it wears away the one thing that holds two people together- faith. Does your partner always praise other men/women? Is he/she still in touch with his ex? Feelings of jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity are likely to cause a serious dent in your relationship, causing immense stress and anxiety regarding your partner's loyalty towards you.
"My husband always praises his colleagues' wives and never acknowledges me for the things that I do for him. He keeps nagging me all the time and blames me for not being understanding enough. He doesn't allow me to go out with my friends at night, whereas he himself returns home in the wee hours of the morning. We often fight over these issues and there's nothing left in our relationship," whines Ankita (name changed on request), who works with a telecom company in Hyderabad.
Counter tip: "Trust is crucial for a loving and lasting relationship. So, if you tell your wife, 'I don't want you to go out with your male colleagues,' it means you don't trust your wife enough. It is not just important to have faith in your partner, but also in your relationship," adds Dr. Kiran.
Social circles
What if you love to go for parties, attend social gatherings and your partner is a home bird? Sometimes, varying habits and preferences may leave one partner aloof if he/she doesn't find himself comfortable in the company of his/her spouse's friends. Imposing your spouse to spend time with your friends or colleagues may make him/her feel suffocated and can lead to resentment and bitterness.
Radhika Sachdev (name changed on request), a home maker states, "My husband loves to interact with people and attend parties whereas I am very reserved. He wants me to accompany him even on business trips and official parties. I feel uncomfortable interacting with his high profile friends. I have also tried explaining my awkwardness to him several times, but he thinks I do this on purpose. He also suggested me to attend personality development classes. I felt so offended."
Counter tip: "It is vital to consider your partner's likes and dislikes. One should not pressurise his/her spouse for doing something which they may not enjoy. It's important to give each other freedom and space and let him make their own choices," suggests Dr. Kiran.
Sexual dissatisfaction
Sexual intimacy between you and your partner is the keystone of a relationship. Though, experts define sex as the best stress buster, it is also the main cause of stress between couples. When you want to get close and your partner says - "I'm not in the mood," "I have a headache" or "We don't have to have sex every night, do we?" �� it is easy to feel rejected, insecure and frustrated. In this case, discovering the "why" behind the sexual dissatisfaction can lead to solving your bedroom blues.
Preeti Gulati (name changed on request), a 32-year-old interior decorator confesses, "My husband is usually out of the country for official work and we hardly spend time with each other. Even when we are together, he always seems to be occupied with work and I end up feeling lonely and frustrated. Even if I try to get intimate, he says he is too tired for sex. I get irritated and vent out my frustrations on him. We have started arguing more than ever before. Now, I feel attracted towards a colleague of mine and we are close emotionally and physically. I don't think there's anything wrong in it or I am at fault."
Counter tip: "Sexual dissatisfaction is the primary cause of stress and infedelity among married couples. It is essential to understand your partner's needs and desires for a satisfying sex life. One must be flexible and consider your partner's mood and preferences to keep minor problems from ruining your sex life. Couples who have a gratifying sex life share a much stronger bond, which makes them handle even the direst of issues with ease. There are many ways of spicing up a dull sex life. Plan weekends vacations, make massage a way of foreplay, try new postures or indulge in love games," advices Dr. Ajit Arora, an expert on sex-related problems.
Conflicts with in-laws
How well you get along with your in-laws is also an important factor to determine the extent to which your relationship is stress-free. Differences with in-laws figure prominently in most couples' list of stress triggers. The best way to make things better is to remember that your in-laws are here to stay. Therefore, learning to effectively deal with them can reduce the friction between you and your spouse.
Abha Sharma (name changed on request), a senior manager at a private back in Delhi says, "My in-laws shifted to my place a year ago. I have been having a very difficult time with my mother-in-law since then, as she always wants to do things her way and always keeps blaming me for spoiling my 6-year-old son. If I am rude to her, she immediately calls up my husband even if he is in office and tells him about our argument. My husband thinks it's always my fault and this results in an ugly spat."
Counter tip: Archana Nanda, a clinical psychologist explains, "The best way to avoid conflicts with your in-laws and keep a balance between your spouse and his/her parents is to believe that it's practically not possible to agree on everything. Arguments are natural and one should try to empathise to keep the spat from getting ugly. Also, one should take care not to crib or complain to your spouse about his/her parents all the time as this will hurt and make the argument even more difficult to reconcile."
Children and parenting conflicts
Couples may differ on their views about parenting and how to deal with their kids. While one may believe in being strict and maintaining discipline in the family, the other may believe in pampering and being lenient. Such differences lead to clashes and cause stress between couples, which has a negative impact on children.
Aarti Ranjan (name changed on request), who works with an insurance company in Noida says, "I think my son is very spoilt and cannot do anything on his own. I have been keen to send him to a boarding school for the last two years, but my husband says that this would not be the right way to deal with him. I am in a fix and don't know how to handle my son's aggressive behaviour."
"Whenever I scold my 12-year-old daughter, my wife acts as the saviour. She counters me right in front of her and as a result my kids have started taking me for granted. I feel frustrated with this," shares Viraj Prabhat, a 32-year-old bank employee.
Counter tip: "It is quite natural for couples to disagree on their parenting styles. They need to realise that parenting is a joint responsibility and views of both are equally important. What matters most is a sound upbringing. Always remember that you should not argue in front of your kids. Make them respect both of you equally. Work out a strict plan for your kids, highlight the areas where you differ and reach a consensus regarding the matter. Take the help of an expert if required," says Kiran.
"Though there are several factors which may cause stress among couples �� the best way to keep your relationship stress-free is to keep a stringent check on your emotions and empathising with your partner," adds Archana.
(With inputs from Nandini Mathur)

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